Glad my dad's got a UK passport these days...

Lummy. After a couple of weeks of talking about such enjoyment as Sci-Fi geekery and Devonshire Audio Nirvana, I'm drawn to the latest banality to be heaved all over the news like some bile-ridden result of travel sickness.

On the same day that a report estimated that 6.2 million people in Ethiopia are on the verge of starving (imagine London with no food), the big story is that a fat Londoner is appearing on a TV programme.

For those of us lucky to live in a world of free speech, the idea that there are people who might say unpleasant things is a bit of a dilemna. Such types are forever within our community, and probably always will remain. The bit I can't get my head around is why banning them would be a good idea? It's not up to the BBC to decide anyway. Give them the airtime, let them demonstrate themselves as the numpties they are, and move on.

Politicians are spending far too much of their time (and our money) trying to tell us why we shouldn't vote for the others. With expenses scandals, sleaze and economic meltdown fresh in the memory, it's no wonder people turn to the fringe parties. Instead of saying that the BNP (sorry I said it) got 6.2% of the votes in the Euro elections, let's be reminded that 97.5% of the electorate didn't vote for them.

So their leader, Nick Griffin, is to be given star status on BBC's Question Time today. I think the BBC could learn a thing or two from Vince McMahon on this front. Picture the scene: David Dimbleby asks a benign question of Jack Straw. Then.. suddenly the lights go out, and the bell tolls... Bong..... In walks Paul Bearer with the flag of St George, behind him Nick Griffin. Jerry Lawlor on colour commentary shouts "my goodness Jim, I don't believe it, I don't believe it. It's him!". etc.

Maybe that's just me.

On the other hand, maybe we should actively avoid asking any questions about his extreme views on immigration, and grill him on other matters; what his views are on the postal strike, why his party is against the EU, yet he is a member of its parliament, does he like Aleesha. Somehow I can't picture him giving the eloquent answers the learned QT audience might be used to.

At a Mark Thomas gig some months ago, the audience was asked to create new policies that Mark would try and follow through. Our choice was that "all BNP members should be forced to trace their lineage and publish the results." I'm sooo hoping someone asks that tonight.

Music Review - Ellie Williams - "Unseen"

Some people are born lucky, others have luck forced upon them. On this occasion I am in the latter camp. I was lucky today to attend an exclusive first play of the debut album by Ellie Williams, entitled "Unseen" released by Sellaband.

There will be few in the music community (outside Devon, perhaps) who know the name Ellie Williams. But that is all about to change, for this unknown singer-songwriter has created a debut album full of such passion and intensity, that it will be impossible to ignore.

The opening line "all of what we know is what we're sold and everything is not as it was told", sets the tone for the album, produced by music legend Tony Platt (AC/DC, Bob Marley, Iron Maiden). This is an album of aching, hurting, breaking and mending, and Ellie's voice is as haunting as it is enchanting. "You light up every corner, Firefly" hints at the hope amongst the hurt, the light at the end of the tunnel.

And it's been quite a tunnel. Ellie's songs hint at the dashed hopes of a music career that nearly never was, and it's thanks to hundreds of new friends and fans at Sellaband that this album has finally been made. After raising the funds to create the album in 2008, it was many months before Ellie was finally able to release her debut album to her Believers on Sellaband on October 13th.


Ellie has put her heart and soul into this album, and nowhere is this clearer than at the beginning of "Mend", "It's funny how it stings my eyes". Each line is delivered with the single aim of not so much tugging the heart strings as reaching inside and shaking them.

Title track "Unseen" is atmospheric, almost desolate to begin with. "Reaching out, and I'm hoping I can catch you" is sung above the most gorgeous piano arrangement, and the gentle synth bubbles behind the bewitching harmonies, and that's before you've reached the epic climax about four minutes in. Music at its most heart-stopping.

But Ellie is no slit-your-wrists doom-monger. She does like a bit of Country, and Bubble causes you to sway, raise your glass and say "if you just call me, I will be there."

And then there is Fin's Song. Fans of Ellie's, myself included, first heard a demo of this in early 2008, and it was the main reason Ellie was able to find so many backers for her album. Those concerned that such a beautifully simple song would be over-produced should not worry, as Tony Platt has turned a piano-voice demo into an understated masterpiece.

It almost seems unfair to have to put any track after Fin's Song, but "No Lies" chooses to take up the challenge, with a bit of country while you gaze out of the window.

The opening of "You and Me," "Only you and me could make it work with 50p and a chocolate bar" is a line that could come from my other favourite band of the moment, Zoey Van Goey. A completely unexpected lyrical tangent, but as Ellie tells me "Only you and me could make it work... Still I'm thinking how lucky we are."

The short titles on the album serve to describe the song and the mood, and there is a balance between "Unseen", "Broken", "Mend" and "Found", but the highlight for me is track 10 - "Lay".

I could write at length about the pitch perfect vocals, the lilting strings in the back, the effortless pauses, the aching lyrics. But I won't, because whatever description I give will not do it justice.

In a sense, the closing track, "Don't Give Up On Me" is unlucky. How do you follow perfection? But the message is clear, you come away from this album feeling good, that no matter how life might get you down, no matter what misfortune you may suffer along the way, those who have faith in you will guide you through.

Unseen is available from Amazon from the 26th October 2009, on pre-order from www.elliewilliams.co.uk and Sellaband.

Dimension Jump XV

OK, I've been through the happy stage, now I'm in the melancholy stage.

My name is Andy and I am a smeghead. Not easy to admit that out loud, but I have spent the weekend in the company of some hardcore Red Dwarf fans, so now is as good time so say it as it'll ever be.

So my brother and I attended Dimension Jump this weekend in Birmingham, celebrating 21 years since the launch of Red Dwarf on the BBC. Having been avid fans since childhood, and having infuriated family members by dropping scripts into normal conversation, it was quite weird, yet reassuring, to be surrounded by folk who go through the same bonkers routine as we do.

The latest episodes, Back To Earth, gave UKTV channel Dave its highest viewing figures of all time, and gave a classic show a whole new audience. Although this was the fifteenth convention, the vast majority were attending for the first time, and the news was that the whole main cast would be attending.

For the well-initiated, there are a few givens about the cast members:

1. Danny John Jules will be late
2. Craig Charles will swear like an angry Gordon Ramsey
3. Hattie Hayridge will always be there in time of a crisis.

After an opening pub quiz hosted by Hattie and karaoke on Friday night, the excitement built on Saturday morning. Robert Llewellyn and Chris Barrie would be in the house, chatting on stage, answering questions and signing autographs. Then in the afternoon we'd meet the effects boys, guest actor Richard O'Callaghan, and be able to take part in the Red Dwarf Olympics.

All was going well until the message went out that Robert was running a bit late. Followed a little later by the news that he was still a way away. A long way away. A long long way away. Sorry. Oh, and so was Chris.

So not a great start, but as per (3) above, we were very pleased to welcome Hattie back to the stage. Always appearing to count her lucky stars she was involved, she recounted the time she was accused of soliciting Norman Lovett outside a lapdancing club, and the time she got off a speeding fine because she had two Listers in the back of her car. We love Hattie.

Then we were treated to an impromptu Q+A from one time fan, now Associate Producer, Andrew Ellard , who talked eloquently about his experience on the show, oh and happened to mention that Dave have commissioned scripts for a new series to be released next year. This brought the house down, particularly as it had been at Doug Naylor's request that the fan club found out before the press. It was a privilege to be there to hear that, and I hope the team can deliver over the next 12 months.


After lunch, Robert and Chris finally appeared, having spent far too long on the M6 for anyone's liking. Taking questions like a pro, Chris gave us a bit of Kenneth Williams, Brittas, Tony Blair and all the cast, whilst politely apologising for not being able to recall the script to Son of Cliche. Robert then chatted about his various projects, including Scrapheap, Carpool, Making Do and Twitter. As they went to sign autographs at 1545, little did they know that their day was only just starting.

Back in the main hall, fans were playing pool with planets, testing their luck virus levels with over the shoulder darts, and playing miniature golf. No room for Junior Angler this year then.

Unbelievably it was another 5 hours before this correspondent form the rearguard of the signing session. Ironic really as I had nothing for them to sign, but I thought they deserved a congratulations for a feat of human patience. Robert commented on how patient we all were, but the feeling was mutual. Poor Richard O'Callaghan must've wondered what on earth he had let himself in for.

With the signing session over and the schedule completely shot to ribbons, we were treated to the Fancy Dress competition. Some extremely young kids in penguin costumes, some grown ups who really should know better, the largest Winnie The Pooh I've ever seen, and some extremely dedicated and authentic designs were on display, with my particular favourite being the third place traffic cone. The FX team took to the stage to talk about some of their favourite work, including Doctor Who and Raging Planet, before Richard finally came to the stage to take his spot, pleased presumably to see daylight again.

Sadly that's all I could stay for that night, but no worry we thought. It's Danny tomorrow, so there's no rush. Gutted we were to find ourselves arriving half way through Danny on stage, following a hasty timetable change. We heard about his love of Sammy Davis Jr, the fine work he does with the Willow Foundation, before his daughter joined him on stage for a sing song (she's no more than 2, I'd say). Chloe Annett joined him soon after and talked about her time with the "filthy" boys, as well as how she was nearly on Casualty. Hasn't everyone been on Casualty already?

Naturally, the star billing was given to Craig Charles. A natural stand up, Craig captivates audiences with his enthusiasm for music, poetry, robots and comedy. Except he'd come straight from a gig in Manchester and hadn't really recovered yet... We were even treated to the voicemail left for Danny asking for directions to the venue, signing off with "I love you man". Bless.

A cup of tea, a pint of water and (crucially I think) a lager later, and he was away, strolling through the crowd taking questions, chatting to the ladeez, before finally wearing a full on leather jacket worn by one of the fancy dress competition winners. Very, very rude, extremely funny, still totally passionate about his time with the Boys from the Dwarf.

After lunch, the now predictable very very long line for signatures appeared. So long that some cast members couldn't stay for everyone. After that came the raffle, fabulous prizes (I think my luck was in on the over the shoulder darts), and the chance to bid for some awesome memorabilia.

Sadly it was over too soon, and who knows when the next one might be, or who might be there. If the show does return next year, and the Red Dwarf fans get any say, then it will be shot in front of a live audience, and will star Hattie Hayridge as Holly. Let's hope that the scripts are good, the money is there, and the enthusiasm remains.

And now, dear friends, I return to the outdoors... It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere....

edited - thanks to @ellardent for spotting the typo - that's why he's a script editor you know...

Everything Starts With An E Number

Every so often there is a story that strikes fear into the heart of every man alive. A story where you thank your lucky stars you weren't there.

Here is today's. Passengers witnessed a punch up between the pilot and cabin crew on an intercontinental flight.

I'd say there are quite a few things you don't want to see when you're on a plane. Smoke is the main one for me. Oxygen masks is another. But a punch up at the controls has just become a new entry at number three for me.

Oh, and here is today's No Shit headline from the ever busy scientific community. Turns out that lots of sweets can make you violent.

This report amuses because it stresses that the presence of sweets is more significant than location, education or upbringing. It studies 10 year olds and their convictions by the age of 34, but let's just remind ourselves of the radioactive crap that went into sweets 20 years ago. We were all bloody hyper on orange Chewits and blue Smarties back then; it's no wonder our brains are buggered now.

Also, reading behind the headline, a deeper theory is that rewarding bad behaviour with sweets and chocolate might cause further bad behaviour.

But what does the headline "Daily sweets "linked to violence" say to you? Enough for the Food And Drink Federation to get on their high horse. "This is either utter nonsense or a very bad April Fool's Day joke". Could be. Haven't we learnt anything from the past?

Don't believe everything you read.
Take everything in moderation.
And don't eat sweets as a child, if you want to be a pilot when you grow up.